heart and soul
dear reader,
my body awoke suddenly at 5am, wednesday morning. i initially felt dread because i wanted to sleep but my mind felt very alive and was racing. after some time spent tossing and turning i listened to myself and got out of bed to watch the sunrise.
i have been in a bit of a fog these past two weeks. created, i believe, from the slowness of the summer and from the feeling of missing someone. as i walked around the park, i took in the stillness that surrounded me. the bugs were out and feasting on my legs but i didn’t care, i sat on a branch and watched everything around me happen. slowly i was taken out of my head and into this natural space. watching a hawk glide into a tree, she(?) perched there standing tall. i wish I knew what her view looked like, i could only imagine. i wanted to draw everything I saw on my walk, and to me that is a good sign. it means that it sparked something in my brain and inspired me in some way. that is something i will always cherish.
7/2/24
has anything ever happened in your life that was so incredible that you couldn’t have made it up or imagined it if you tried? i think i might have just experienced that and i still am reminding myself that it was real. those who are supposed to be in your life will find their way there. that’s all i will say for now. part of me is afraid to speak of it too much or i’ll jinx it. those moments are so precious to me i will treasure them forever. it’s like when you find something, a shell or a stone, and you hold it in your hands and stare at it for a moment. it’s a special feeling because you found it naturally, like it was meant for you to find. i feel so lucky.
i find myself wanting to hold moments in my hand often, which is probably why i fell in love with photography. to be given a visual to look back on and to remember. or to make an idea from your mind come to life. the scope of possibility feels endless. as someone who deals with both depression and anxiety, i find myself battling with the state of my head holding onto the future and the past. i have found myself using images and photography as visual tools to harbor on the past. this is a dangerous thing for a depressive mind. sometimes i feel myself fade out into that moment presented to me. everything in front of me no longer visible. for the past year or so i found myself distancing myself from photography work but i am finding my way back into it in a healthy manner. sometimes having access to a camera can put me in the moment, and focus on what is happening around me. this is why i have such a difficult relationship with photography. it can be a provider of great joy and memories but it can also be a conductor for depression. that is, if i allow it to, and it is up to me at the end of the day what power i give this medium. images can be displayed to me that i don’t want to see but they can also be deleted or thrown away, or reformed. it is up to me how much power i let it have over me.
i’ve had a few people come to me and express that my words have impacted them in some way. that means more to me than you know. i started this for my mind to have an outlet, and i will continue it for myself. but providing even a little bit of comfort to others is the greatest gift of all. an early birthday present for me :) (it’s this friday!)
thank you, truly,
carly
