in my head
dear reader,
i cannot force myself to write. when i bring myself to this spot in my room, ready to type on my computer, it feels like the most strenuous activity. but i have no problem blabbing my mouth all day long. maybe i have run out of words to say but i find that to be very unlikely. in this very moment as i type there are hundreds of thoughts buzzing around in my head and yet not one of them will make its way to my fingertips and onto my screen. there is some sort of blockade that is holding me back from writing. thinking is easy. i do it even when i don’t want to be but writing them down makes it all too real. i’m afraid for it to be real. my words, my art, my work. because once it is real i can’t take it back and what if it’s not good enough? what if it doesn’t stick to anyone?
but then when i do it, i make it real, i share these pieces of me, and it feels like i can breathe, like a part of my soul is forever alive. and then i wonder why i ever had fear and i remember it can be such a waste to hold onto. so what if i’m afraid? i can still create and be fearful. and even if those fears come true, people don’t like what i have to share, it sticks to no one. it stuck to me and i can say that i have created something. if i weren’t able to create i would probably explode into a big cloud of anxiety and dreams and dust. i need this. i started doing this work to share and love for the sake of myself and others and i will continue it for that reason. fear is inevitable and i can’t be afraid of being afraid. that’s a,“i’ve seen that tree before”, deadly cycle i am not looking to get into. maybe if i see the same tree twice it’s a sign i should try to draw it and then turn around because i’m going the wrong way. i’ll try to draw the tree, i’ll be afraid to even start. what if it looks nothing like the beautiful thing standing in front of me? well, what if it doesn’t, what if it’s different and just as beautiful. because you made it.
take yourself out of your head as much as you can. your mind can be a beautiful thing if you give it the space to be. the makings of your mind can’t just all stay in there. share what you know, what you love, what you fear! our minds are not meant to be isolated or ignored. in my own experience, when my brain is neglected my whole world begins to fog up. the people in my life begin to appear like characters, the street a movie set, and my body a camera, an observer. it’s my dissociative state. when everything up there becomes too much, i disconnect completely. and while at first it seems like a nice break, it’s just my mind and my body growing further apart. i need them to remain connected in order to feel and experience everything fully. so i bring myself back, usually by forcing myself to draw so that my mind and body will find their way back together. once that happens i’m able to be. and as fucking scary being can feel, it’s really incredible.
random mind expressions
thank you for reading my ramblings. this week i wrote closer to how i speak, less clean cut and perfected. i hope my words left you with something new. take yourself on a walk, your brain will thank you.
until next time!
carly <3
