lovable
dear reader,
i’ve found myself basking in the natural shimmer of the ocean. you know, that special moment when the sun comes from an angle that makes everything in the water sparkle. its very special. since i was a little girl, i always admired that exact moment.
the water and i go way back. growing up near the ocean i spent a lot of time in that environment. it was something that i quickly began to fear and as a result, avoid. but no matter how i felt about what might be in there that could hurt me, i always admired the ocean from afar. with time, age, and anti-anxiety medication i have grown to truly love the ocean and all she has to offer. even the scary bits. she is a wonder and whirl of color, life, and love.
i’ve found myself at the shore, holding in my hands the greatest treasure of all.
i am suddenly reminded of that feeling i get when i find a special shell.
and finding it feels like you were meant to find it
but this time it’s not a shell, it’s you.
and now you are everywhere
what makes someone lovable? is there a criteria, a rubric to check off? i think that i subconsciously try to make myself more ‘lovable’. which really means i often polish or shrink myself so that others only see good within me. but if i’m doing that for someone then they will find themselves loving a digestible version of me. that is not how i can live. once i started loving every broken piece within me, all i could see was love around me. not just within the confines of romantic pursuits. it is everywhere. our vision of love cannot be narrow because the world is far from narrow and love is the world.
i want to keep falling in love with myself
like i have with the ocean
i can accept all that lives within me
even the deep dark sea
in times when i have turned away from love, i have found myself in the darkest caves of self isolation. i couldn’t find an outlet, a part of me didn’t want to. a part of me wanted the cave to swallow me whole. but that first drop of love i give myself, projects such a light i had almost forgotten about. and i find myself out of that cave, out of isolation. not matter how much you feel the cave has taken all the love away, we can always create it. we can choose to create love.
the lines in the palm of my hand could align with the shell i hold. i love them more now.
thank you for reading. this is really all i have to say this week. my mind has been feeling more than thinking recently. but in the best way possible. thank you thank you
with love,
carly
